“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
Primarily, when a man is insecure he can be extremely controlling. He can also be abusive – physically or mentally. Mental is sneakier and leaves no physical marks but can leave deep psychological scars. Many of these guys start their abuse as a slow process, where you are unsuspecting… with little “innocent” requests; but as time goes by, their demands increase. Sexuality is not always a factor nor is a mother’s influence. And, they actually do not see themselves treating their women bad at all. In fact, many think they are treating you better than you “deserve”.
The only cure for insecure men is when they choose to accept that their abusive behavior is unacceptable. And that takes GOD. YOU cannot cure them through your love or anything else.
Low self-esteem, in many ways, is a combination of environment and psychological. If you end up with low self-esteem because you are in a relationship with such a person, please be aware you can recover from it… and realize you are not at fault for being in such a relationship. The biggest common thing I find with most women who get caught up in such relationships… is they feel the guy hasn’t known a nice person. So they will say to themselves, “Let me be that person and show how I care.” That does not work. Babying a problem only makes it worse.
Be careful how you allow yourself to jump into long-term relationships. Here are some of the Red flags to be aware of!
- Control. Somewhere between the first and the fifth dates… HE might start suggesting how you should behave, what you should wear, eat, etc. because it makes him happier. He knows it can work because, you’re in a vulnerable situation where you are supposedly showing him what a great catch you are! Imagine how things will be, once you begin to relax… and you are used to each other, how much more demanding such a person would be.
- Jealousy. Jealousy over seemingly minor things is not cute and it is not because he cares. It is because HE feels threatened.
- Guilt. He always tells you “Look what I have done for you!” Somehow all events and conversations turns to it is about him and what HE has done for you.
- Your Fault. Any disagreements or strife always gets turned around to somehow it was your fault that created it. HE never takes accountability for his own behavior.
- The Answer Man. Too ready for an answer. If you look at most abusers, they always seem to have some realistic answer as to why and how that happened and of course it is directed away from him.
- The Apology. “I don’t know what I was thinking and I am sorry and I will never do it again” They may actually feel sorry for the time especially if it is the possibility of losing you and the control they have over you. They will actually “behave” themselves for a period of time
- Inability to sustain the regret and apology. I have never known a low self-esteem abuser to sustain for the long haul a true remorse. They usually go back to their original bad behavior once they think they have snagged you again.
- Reassurance. They want constant reassurance in how you perceive them and how your friends perceive them. However, they put down all naysayers and berate those people in how stupid and insignificant those critics are.
The only suggestion I have for those who are in uneven relationships is this; tell yourself you deserve a whole lot better and you are not a bad person…, just guilty of caring and trying to be a nice loving person.